Saving my Unborn Child

I’m so glad I’ll never have children.  I knew since my 20s, that I didn’t want kids. My reasons have changed over time but it turned out to be the correct decision.

Every day after work when I’m driving home, I feel numb. Numb from wasting my life on things, people, and places I don’t care about just to make money. You can’t live in this society without money. You NEED money.

Having a child, would only doom them to a life of wage slavery. A life of worry, anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, and desperation. I love my unborn child too much to force this world on them.

I wanna be Irresponsible

You have to be perfect or everyone blames you for making mistakes and screwing up your own life. You’re to blame. You! You! You!

We’re not allowed to make mistakes. We’re not allowed to experiment. We’re not allowed to be irresponsible. We’re not allowed to take risks. We’re not allowed to be flawed. If you take one step out of the comfort zone and screw up, the world laughs in your face and everyone blames you. You! You! You! It’s your fault!!!

I’m just holding my breath everyday. I can’t breathe. I can’t relax. I’m not allowed to. Not yet. I’m not free. I’m trapped in a place I never agreed to be.

We’re not allowed to be human.

Trying do my own thing

I’m working on my own website after work and on my free time. I forgot how much I liked building stuff until I started my own project. I love having 100% control over a project. How it looks, how it works, what it does…so exciting.

I’m hoping to take it all the way this time and actually register it as a business, get some beta testers, and promote it through social media and paid ads. It’s gonna take some money and time, but I really want to do this and see how far it can go.

Random Stream of Thought: Living in a Van

Is it worth it? To get out of Omelas? I’ve thought about it countless times. If I could just save up a bit more money…then I think about the upkeep. Oil changes, repairs, gas, permits…and I think, maybe not.

Sometimes I fantasize about buying a little piece of land somewhere, parking a trailer there and just living. Then I hear you can’t even do that without Omelas’ permission and I think…do we actually have freedom at all? It seems like Omelas’ has put a variety of legal roadblocks in place to keep people from escaping.

This world is fucked. And we’re in prison.

Buying my way out of Omelas

I want to buy my way out of Omelas. I don’t have nearly enough saved. I’m trying but it’s difficult. It’s my stress that causes me to spend a lot of money. Trying to keep myself from falling into depression and hopelessness.

Things are still easier now than they were when I was younger. Every little failure and rejection would be a direct hit to my self worth. Now it’s just an ‘event’ that I observe, analyze, and move on. My failures no longer have anything to do with me. They just ARE. I know I’m trying my best with what I have, and I accept that 100%.

I just keep trying, and leave the rest up to the Universe.